Excerpts from THE GREEN by Troon McAllister
"A minor miracle of fiction... completely convincing,
wise, funny."
Steven Pressfield, author of The Legend of
Bagger Vance
"How good is it? I missed my tee time because I could not put the
damned thing down."
Bob Habbitt, Publisher
"The richly drawn characters are stand ins for all of us."
Stewart Cink PGA Professional
"To think that THE GREEN is just about golf would be missing the point."
Paula Newby Fraser, Triathelete
This work contains the most devastating criticisms of "Go see your PGA
pro" golf that I have ever seen in any fictional account of golf.
Let me set the stage for you. The USA is badly undermanned in an
upcoming match with Europe (Ryder Cup). They have recruited this
unsavory golf hustler Eddie Cammaretti as their 12th man. They are
visiting the White House and Eddie has just solved the long standing
putting problem for the president. The president is most impressed.
"Do you know how many lessons I have had?" asked the president. "Yeah
well, every golf instructor teaches the game different." Eddie bit into
the apple and talked while chewing as though he was talking with a guy
who was unclogging his toilet."
"One says the key is to keep your head down, another says just keep it
still, another says its the biggest crock of shit myth in golf
altogether. One guy is obsessed with the swing plane, another guy
couldn't care less so long as you hold your shoulders properly. One guy
tells you that getting the grip right is 90 per cent of the game,
another says it's the stance.
"One guy tells you to remember fifteen different things as you're
standing over the ball, another says to get your muscle memory in
groove on the range and then just forget about it on the course." I
could tell from the pained look on the Presidents face that he had
heard all of these things at one time or another.
Eddie took another bite of the apple. "Sometimes the simplest answers
are the most correct. All these instructors flinging bullshit out there
right and left and the problem is each one thinks he's Jesus, thinks
his way is the only way, and that everybody else is a complete schmuck
who ought to have his certificate lifted."
"So every time you change teachers, you have to go through this
fraternity hazing where you hit a bucket of balls while he watches
shaking his head and rolling his eyes and wondering what total asshole
told you to hit the ball that way, f'Chrsakes. Then you have to explain
to him what the other guy explained to you, which is mostly a lot of
New Age household physics, and he laughs because it's such crap, and
then tells you why it's such utter crap, which he does by replacing it
with his own brand of scientific horseshit, and that's about the time
he says, "Look what we gotta do, we gotta completely take apart your
swing and put it back together, unlearn all those bad habits. Now it's
gonna hurt your game for awhile, but blah, blah and so on." He waved
his apple around as he finished up, then took another bite.
"That's exactly what that asshole Firth said to me," Eastwood (the
pres.) exclaimed, naming one of the members of the European Ryder Cup
Team. Eddie nodded in sympathy. "So you start off your lessons with
this damned clown shaken his head like you're the dumbest creature in
God's universe on account a you fallin for the first guys line of
bullshit, and you're embarrassed to even take a swing in front of this
thirty and hour Nickllaus whose got you convinced you wasted the last
three years of your golfing life."
It was as if he was plumbing Eastwood's (the president) deepest golfing
insecurities and laying them bare right in front of him. "You ever
teach anybody Eddie?" "Once in a while, but never for money." "How do
you do it?" "I watch him hit a bucket. No matter how bad he hits, I nod
a lot and grunt in approval. When he's all done, I say something like
you know that's not bad at all. Couple adjustments here and there,
you're gonna see a big improvement. You got any ice?"
Eastwood immediately turned and asked a nearby aide named Manual to get
some ice. "Right away Mr President," the aide replies, while leaving.
Eastwood quickly returns his attention to Eddie. "So right away the guy
feels good about his game, he knows I am not going to criticize the
hell out of him, he's comfortable and eager. He won't cringe before his
next lesson, afraid it's gonna be another half hour of instructional
mugging, which will make him feel like shit."
"We're gonna have fun, me and him, whacking balls, talking golf, me
giving him pointers that actually help and not confuse and helpin' his
improvements become an important part of his game." The President
reacted, "You tellin' me you don't have your own brand of bullshit?"
"'Course" answered Eddie, "but mine is different for each student. If
he's fixated on keeping his head down, I tell him fine, just don't get
obsessed with it. If he's worried about his swing plane, I tell him
it's OK not to be perfect there as long as he does other things right..
So right away he relaxes, which is half the battle right there let me
tell ya."
LASKODY COMMENTARY:
It is obvious that the author is describing a carousel and all the
instruction available is designed to keep him on the carousel. The
pundits you see on TV and "expert" commentators keep golfers on the
carousel. Are we to believe that Eddie has the key off the carousel or
is he simply a kinder and gentler carousel tender? A100 years of
history in which the average golfer's score has not changed
significantly convinces me that this is just another stop on the
carousel.
If you are interested in solutions, then I have the following sites for
you to visit:
scigolf.com
Jack Kuykendall's Scientific Magazine
Natural
Golf Chat (from here you can talk to golfers like yourself, no
one will try to sell you anything)
Note: "The Green" by Troon McAllister
is available at Borders and amazon.com
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